Almost every fight we ever had would escalate from disagreeing over what to rent at Blockbuster to threats of breaking up with me… I allowed her walk all over me because I was willing to put up with this.
I had few boundaries to speak of and even less self-esteem…
Taking a stand – saying that you will not tolerate or put up with certain attitudes or behavior – means being willing to accept the responsibility of that choice and thus shouldering the consequences.
This can be intimidating, especially when you’re not the most secure person to begin with.
After the honeymoon period, where I was just astounded that I was having sex, our relationship became a matter of constant fighting, jealousy, guilt trips and having to justify myself on an almost daily basis.At best, you have a codependent relationship – one partner needing constant control and validation while giving up any personal responsibility and the other trying to shoulder the entire burden of both parties as well as take blame for any faults as an exchange for having the relationship. well, you’re prey for users, manipulative assholes and emotional abusers.It’s important to note: this isn’t exclusively a male or female problem.Both men and women are equally capable of having weak boundaries and low self-esteem…and both are capable of reaping the rewards that come with rebuilding both.When you don’t feel as though you have anything to offer and you’re desperate for someone to complete you, you will tend to shift your boundaries and sacrifice your values for someone else in the hopes that this will prompt them to like you. They rely on obligation and allow themselves to be used – as well as live in fear of conflict or disagreement – because they don’t feel that they can rely on their own value.The other frequent cause for poor boundaries is an unwillingness to take responsibility for one’s own actions.A major reason why I put up with being treated so badly in my relationships was because I was conflict averse; I didn’t have a strong foundation to work from and dreaded any fight for fear of causing more drama which would inevitably be my fault and lead to further fights down the line.As a result, I became the sort of person who was very good at finding excuses for why things had gone wrong – it wasn’t Why would I do this?and I was willing to consider this treatment a fair price for being in a relationship. In fact, many people who are socially inexperienced – geeks and nerds especially – will have encountered all of these and more over the course of their relationships… Many will assume that these are just par for the course when it comes to relationships – platonic, romantic, or familial.These situations are often a sign of having poor boundaries – the result of a mix of low self esteem and an unwillingness to take a stand for yourself.